Answer: A garment worn by a child when her mother is cold.

Did you giggle when you read that? I think you might have, for no matter what your cultural background, religion, or ethnic heritage, it strikes an all too familiar chord for many of us. Mothers do that: they inflict upon their children their own needs and desires. But it sure isn’t funny when you are the one whose arms are being thrust      into that sweater – especially if you are not the slightest bit cold.

As the daughter of my mother, I agonized over the conflict between Mom’s need to take care of me and my desire to be independent.

As the mother of my daughter, step-daughter and daughter-in-law, I’m still distressed – albeit under the reversed circumstance: I struggle with my need to take care of them while recognizing their abilities to be self-sufficient.

Mom, back then, was that woman who constantly nagged, commented on my choices of clothing, friends, eating habits. Certainly some inner recesses of my subconscious tried to get me to understand her badgering was not meant as harassment; not meant to hurt my easily bruised psyche. There must have been some part of my mind that recognized her intent was not to inflict pain.

“Caryn Jane, you didn’t finish your dinner. You must clean your plate for there are children in world who are starving.”

Not quite understanding how my clean plate would, in any way, aid those aforementioned hungry kids I, nevertheless, did as I was bade. I tackled the last of four lamb chops, broccoli and baked potato, then moved on to dessert. That, of course, was inhaled with no prompting necessary.

Okay, so I’d listened to Mom, did as she requested and finished my dinner. Why, then, was she always on my case to lose weight?

“Caryn Jane, you look like a Mac truck in that outfit.”

Now, that was a great comment from her point of view. With those eleven words she not only managed to denigrate my excess pounds but also passed negative judgment on my fashion sense. Whammo – two points for that one!

With the passing of years and family circumstances, however, I now have a perspective on motherhood that I was not privy to in my youth. Mom’s commentaries had been uttered in momspeak – a foreign language which was only logical to the speaker. It is totally incomprehensible to the listener and, therefore, all too often, misinterpreted.

“Clean your plate because children are starving” translated in my mind to Mom needing me to show how much I enjoyed her cooking. In truth it was momspeak for “I came from a place of poverty, survived the war and can now provide for my family.” Who knew it was code language for her love? She did.

Likening my girth to that of a Mac truck was hurtful when I heard the words. Properly decoded, though, they were meant to aid me in my choice of clothing, to look like the young woman she wanted me to be. Mom was proud of her daughter and wanted me to be “a lady, petite in size and well dressed.” How else would I ever find a husband? Once again, momspeak for love.

I listened. I groaned. And, while I wanted desperately to rebel, I abided by her every command.

I was wise enough, however to never do use momspeak with my kids. Certainly whenever we went to New York City to visit Grandma it was imperative that I offer advice on the correct choice of clothing for such an occasion, as in “No way are you wearing that grungy outfit to the City.” And I did have to teach them that it is wasteful to not finish every morsel on their dinner plates: “Children in Vietnam are starving” I’m sure they understood. Didn’t they? I only had their best interests at heart.

My mother’s needs and desires had translated into her requirements for my conduct. I didn’t understand that then. I didn’t even fully comprehend when I became a mother. Only now can I look back and recognize the pattern that I unwillingly followed in the rearing of my children. I can only hope that one day they have the same revelation, and recognize that all the badgering was my momspeak – filled as was my mom’s – with the best of intentions and boundless amounts of love.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s feeling a little chilly in the house. I’ve got to go get a sweater – to put on my granddaughter.

~James Yorke

Perhaps all mothers feel insecure about their parenting skills. Over the past thirty years there have been thousands of books written on child rearing. When my girls were young, these books would have been invaluable to me. Unfortunately, I was forced to make harsh decisions using my alcohol addled brain as my guide.

Have you ever watched a Hallmark commercial where the Mother receives a card from one of her grown daughters and she remembers a beautiful loving moment when her daughter was a young child? When I watch those commercials, I cry. Not from sentimental remembrances but from many frustrating memories. The truth is that mothering doesn’t always look like a Hallmark commercial.

I have two daughters. Elizabeth and Madeleine. Their father, my ex-husband, died when Lizzie was 13 and Madi was 12. Not only were we left penniless but the children had been living with him for the last six years. I had the children every other weekend and alternating holidays. Being with them was great. They were thrilled to be part of my glamorous life style. I’d take them to fancy restaurants. We’d watch the Carol Burnett show. We laughed a lot. I believed that’s what life would be like when we were together full time.

How could one person be wrong so many times? Now that we were living under one roof, life ceased to be one laugh after another. Before, I was free to do whatever I wanted to do in the evenings like go out drinking and dancing. Now there were two children who expected dinner. They had homework. They needed attention. That presented a problem since I was the one who wanted attention!

Life became a series of complaints about me not giving them a large enough allowance, fights over which television show to watch, disputes about what they should wear and other differences of opinion. In the midst of these unsettling times, my drinking escalated. When I finally got sober after they were grown, I’d hear other women admit life was not rosy in their homes. Their children were arrested, their children became drug addicts, kids got married and then divorced, and they would recall incidents that drove them crazy. But I never heard these tales of woe while I was in the midst of trying to teach my girls how to become adults.

My precious daughters are themselves approaching fifty years of age. Lizzie has three children. Madi never married nor had children. They say they’ve forgiven me and I believe them. But in my heart of hearts, I know I failed them. As Mother’s Day approaches, a sense of sadness envelops me. When I was drinking I’d joke about the holiday, saying I should open up a greeting card store for dysfunctional families. I had so much difficulty choosing a card for my mother that I wondered how my daughters could possibly find a card for me when I knew they surely harbored major resentments.

On this Mother’s Day, I wish all mothers the gift of forgiveness to themselves. Be grateful for the gift of children. Be grateful if you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Maybe I could have done a better job but I did the best job possible while fighting my own demons.” I feel blessed to recognize on this Mother’s Day that I love my daughters and they love me.

Alexis Powers is the author of her memoir, “Don’t Die Before Paris,” a memoir of her life raising two daughters. You can contact her through her website: www.alexispowers.net

~Carol Burnett

And I really should wash the entire bathroom floor this morning after all of his energetic splashing during his bath last night. Not to worry. There will always be tomorrow.

What about the work I didn’t get accomplished yesterday even though I promised myself I’d sit in my studio preparing for the workshops I have coming in the next few weeks? I had such good intentions of starting the preparations yet somehow found other activities far more enticing. That, too, is alright for there will always be tomorrow.

But will there always be tomorrow?

As I sipped my morning coffee I heard a low “Oh my God” from my husband as he was reading the local paper. That utterance assured me that he was on the obit page. When I took a look over his shoulder I read a name that we knew; someone whose passing came as a shock to both of us.

I was right. There was the name of a gentleman with whom I have a passing relationship; the guy who roasted and sold me those aromatic beans that I would grind in my Cuisinart every morning to create some of the best coffee I’d ever had. The guy with whom I’d exchange pleasantries as we talked of his granddaughter; as he asked me about my work; as we discussed the latest happenings in our town.

The guy who was young and active and healthy, who was, nevertheless, found in his home having suddenly died of, I suspect, a heart attack.

For this man there won’t always be tomorrow.

I miss him and I am mourning and very sad this morning as I write this blog. I will never see his wonderful sweet face nor have my casual and fun conversations with him. I will never taste the rich and special coffee blend he had dubbed “deja brew”. And I am extremely aware of the fragility of life; how quickly it can leave us; without warning; poof, its gone.

That doesn’t mean I have learned the lesson of making sure I vacuum up the crumbs immediately as they cascade to the floor. Nor does it mean that I will make sure I complete all of my work every single day right on time without procrastination.

The lesson I have learned today is that life is fleeting and can leave us without a prior notice. There probably won’t be a messenger arriving at my doorstep with a notification letting me know just how many “tomorrows” I have left. And so I need to hold on to every “today” and remember just how special it is and not take any minute of it for granted.

And, so, right now I shall leave my computer and go play with my grandson and enjoy the minutes I have right now.

I hope I will have many “tomorrows” but for now I am fortunate to have today.

~Roderick Thorp

I am concerned about the limited housing options for elderly and younger individuals who require handicap accessible housing.  Are you, as well?

For the elderly, the cost of assisted living communities continues to increase, while homes are not selling at the price they once did – house sale prices decreased by over 25% in 5 years.  Many elderly have sold their home and moved into assisted living for several thousand dollars per month, believing their needs would be met and their money would last.  However, they find that the “extra charges” at assisted living and higher level of support they need as time passes causes them to go through their money more quickly than they had planned.  Once that money is gone…where do they live with no money and higher care needs?

They might consider subsidized housing, which was once an option for elders with limited funds and younger handicapped individuals.  But those require you come in as an “independent person” able to perform your own activities of daily living.  The second issue is that the  “subsidized housing” option now has long waiting lists or is no longer accepting applications.

Others have shared with me the statement, “well when the money runs out…we’ll use Medicaid and a skilled nursing facility”.  Please know because of government cut-backs, nursing centers are becoming restrictive regarding accepting individuals, and many nursing centers are at risk to be shot down*.

The reality for skilled nursing centers is that the percent they receive from the government for long term care patients on Medicaid is quite low, and the number of beds they are allowed to have for these long term Medicaid patients is also a low percent of their total beds.  Understand if they are going to be able to stay open and meet salary requirements for their nurses and staff, they will save those Medicaid long term care beds for individuals who came in to them as “private-pay”.  They will not be in a rush to take a long-term care Medicaid patient from the outside community…a person that is a guarantee to be a financial loss to them.

My social work experience in the community for 20 years has taught me that many folks want to remain home or remain near their friends/family, churches and doctors.  Therefore, I want to share with you information regarding PALS (Practical Assisted Living Solutions), a housing option that might not be everyone’s answer but it is worth checking out if you or a loved one are looking for a housing solution for frail, elderly people and/or younger populations that have special needs and might require handicapped accessibility.

The saddest statement I hear in my work is “If only I’d known about this – life could have been different for my family member.”  Possibly the “this” is PALS.  Possibly it is another solution, but knowing is better than regretting.

I hope that by sharing this information with you now you can share it with people in your life who are in this situation or might be in the future. 

*The Coming Nursing Home Shortage – Kaiser Health News
www.kaiserhealthnews.org/…/fiscal-times-nuring-home-shortage.asp

For more information about PALS you can go to their site:
www.palsbuilt.com

Valerie Juleson earned a Masters of Social Work (MSW) degree, with a concentration in gerontology, from Columbia University NYC.

Her twenty-plus years experience in senior care management gives her a unique insight into the needs of mature adults and their families.

Valerie’s goal is to creatively assist as well as educate her clients and their families regarding the aging options available to them, enabling them to make informed decisions about their future.

]]> http://www.taogirl.com/tao-women/2012/04/pals-for-assisted-living/feed/ 4 http://www.taogirl.com/tao-women/2012/04/the-gathering-spring-2012/ http://www.taogirl.com/tao-women/2012/04/the-gathering-spring-2012/#comments Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:56:10 +0000 Annette http://www.taogirl.com/tao-women/?p=1950 Click here to read more and post your comments...]]> A Celebration of Tao and Defiant Women and Girls Everywhere

I have a confession to make: I’m an addict. I am addicted, not to drugs or alcohol, but to the interactive word game, Words With Friends.

For those of you who have not had the dubious pleasure of playing, here’s a brief explanation: Using one’s iPad, iPhone, Kindle Fire or computer (through Facebook) you place letter tiles on a “board” much as you would if playing Scrabble. Your move (tile placement) flies through the internet and lands on the “board” of your opponent who, in turn, places her tiles and sends it back to you. Each letter carries a point value and the winner is the player who has accrued the most points in her tile placements.

As most addictions do, this started out benignly enough; an invitation to play with my friend, Donna. Learning how to play. Finding myself being beat up and losing by hundreds of points each game. Remaining tenacious in my quest to improve in both my Words With Friends vocabulary and my defensive strategies.

It’s fun, educational, keeps my mind active and alert and, sometimes keeps me from doing the work I should be engaged in.

Prior to Words With Friends I had been obsessed with the local paper’s Sudoku, cryptogram, Jumble and crossword puzzle.

We all need something that will take our minds off of the daily grind and this is one way I find solace. I also enjoy reading, hiking, jogging (when my bum knee allows) while listening to country music on my iPod. Oh, and yes, lets not forget my guilty pleasure of watching American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance.

It was at a UConn women’s basketball game where I discovered that a friend who happens to occupy the seat next to mine also plays Words With Friends. In fact, she is so into it that she’s written a poem reflecting its joys. That poem – which I share with you below – gave me the driection for this issue of The Gathering: Play and relaxation. Or as my grandkids call it – chillaxing.

We all need to take the time to chillax. If we continued with our hectic, daily schedules without a break we’d be no good to anyone as mental and physical exhaustion would take over and keep us from performing to our best abilities. All too often, however, we tend to think we’re being “lazy” and feel waves of guilt when not scurrying around accomlishing some task or other.

Nonesense! Without the chill time those tasks overtake us, overwhelm us and keep us from doing our best work.

So think about how you can chillax today and make sure you do. Believe me, you will feel refreshed and ready to take on the world if you’ve given yourself that much needed down time.

As for me, well, even though I admitted that playing Words With Friends at times keeps me from doing my work, I have found that when I eventually do get around to tackling my required task, it is accomplished more quickly, efficiently and joyfully than if I had pushed myself without having allowe myself to first enjoy the play time.

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I had sent a request to you all to let me know just how you chillax – what activities you engage in that help you to unwind.

Many thanks to those of you who sent fun responses. I am pleased to share them with all Tao and Defiant women and girls here:

Grace G. shared this beautiful image:

Have you ever listened to the waves on a blustery day? The sound beyond the roar. The quiet hiss and bubble and watery sigh. It can take you anywhere very gently.

*******

Sue T. wrote:

My youngest daughter, when she was little, used to put on a one-piece playsuit and called it her ‘laxing in the sun suit!’

She is now 31 – and references that but isn’t as cute as when she was 3 but does ‘relax’ in the sun in a swimsuit – not a playsuit.

I asked Sue if she does the same and she responded:

I will not do this to the world of humanity – at least not out in public!!! :)

And when I pointed out her lack of Tao and Defiant attitude with that comment, she came back with:

But I am concerned about the environment and seeing my body in such a state would cause crowds and crowds of admirers and those crowds could leave litter and I cannot allow that to happen and destroy the earth upon which they stand!!!! How’s that?

“That”, Sue, is a Tao and Defiant woman at her best!

*******

Lonnie S. told us:

I shop…

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Donna F. shared:

How I chillax- walking, yoga, playing with my dog, gardening, words with friends, watching Jon Stewart.

*******

Mary D.M. chillaxes in much the same ways I do:

I love to read a good book too, preferably in the out-of-doors in my chaise lounge, and I find crossword puzzles very relaxing as well. There is also nothing better for me than a nice, long meandering hike on a beautiful day, and Sunday mornings in my hot tub with a cup of herbal tea.

*******

Dale A. talked about her need to be outside:

For me, it’s all about getting OUTSIDE! I need to be in beautiful places in nature…. a walk along the beach or in the woods brings me back to my center. In fact, I need to get out everyday, wind, snow, warm, cold – unless there’s really a driving rain! We are made of the stuff of the earth, and the cyclical rhythms of nature harmonize with our own. I come home to my body and soul in the sacred outdoors.

*******

Marci T. wrote about her time chillaxing when down with the flu:

I watched TV and went numb. PLayed Facebook games for hours . It was also during this time that I found that walking the dog or playing fetch with her outside improved my mood as well as cleared my head.

*******

Carol H admitted that chillaxing:

Is something new to me after retirement from teaching. Can’t believe we are that much alike–words with friends with a glass of wine is the ultimate. Twenty minutes with my latest book choice. Such as Hunger Games. Raced my 10-year-old grandson through that series. Travel is king. Going to the Kentucky Derby. Love horse racing.

*******

Cate W. gave us this insight into her downtime:

About four months after “retiring” from my high stress job as an IT Business Analyst in December of 2010, I decided I had too much “down time” and wasn’t ready to retire. So I went to work as a part time in-home companion, which, as it turns out, although I love it, is in different ways more stressful than the business world. Now I really need my down time and spend it doing crossword puzzles with my husband at the breakfast table, knitting (in the winter) and gardening (in the summer); I am learning to play African drums (once a month or so I attend a drumming circle), and I still read Taoist and other spiritual books. I am trained as a voice actor and I currently volunteer for an organization that records books for the blind and physically disabled. Although this is “work” and not technically down time, it is such fun that it is the highlight of my week.

Hello to all my fellow defiant Tao women

If you have not yet responded shared with us your ways of chillaxing, please feel free to post your comments at the end of this newsletter – we’d love to hear from you!

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SPRING WISDOM

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

~Chinese Proverb

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AND NOW FOR A LITTLE FUN

That friend of mine, the gal who sits next to me at UConn games and whose poem I promised I’d share with you, is Sharon Scull. Sharon’s writing has appeared in past issues of The Gathering and it’s so much fun to share one of her fun poems again:

WSRDO, DORWS, WORDS

So addicted I am
to Words With Friends
An application on my IPAD, IPHONE
A scrabble game I play with other people It’s just about the first thing I do
when I wake up in the morning and the last things I do
before I go to sleep at night Have to see if anyone
has done their words so it will be my turn
11 or 12 games going at one time
Sometimes, all the games are ready for me to play at once My head is spinning
Brain working letters every day
Can I get to a triple word space?
Or at least a double word space?
Bummer—-sometimes I have all vowels
or even worse
great letters but NO vowels
Hate to swap letters and then have to miss a turn Have to admit
I LOVE this game!!!!

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TAO AND DEFIANT NEWS AND TRAVELS

If you have news and engagements coming up during this spring season, please email me with the details and I will include it here in The Gathering and on the information exchange page of our website.

To see what Tao-Girl and Tao and Defiant woman are up to
Click on this link to see our calendar

There’s more in the works so please keep checking back!

(As I’m always open to the possibility of a last minute request,
please go to the travels page of this website for updated information.

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* Don’t forget to follow Tao-Girl on our Facebook page

* and on Twitter

* and on LinkedIn

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As always, I hope you have enjoyed reading The Gathering, and look forward to receiving your comments along with your own stories and news.

As for the next issue of The Gathering, well it will come out in the summer, with Tao and Defiant updates to continue when I have news to share with you all.

Thank you for being part of the Tao and Defiant community.

CJ

~Maria Edgeworth